Why is it that

saying sorry only makes it worse?
I really was okay with this... more than okay.
But then you had to prove you WEREN'T a heartless douchebag.
Now I'm not so okay. So here I am, up until the wee hours of the morning again. Thinking. Unable to sleep. Unable to breathe properly. Its like you set off the balance of my life. You give me stupid unexplainable panic attacks.
I really miss the feeling like everything is okay Christine. This one is no good.

I miss you. And you. And I wish you would remember me from a hole in the wall.
seriously... life...
gah.
I really don't wanna deal with band tomorrow. I don't get how kickball is a workout. Or how I'm supposed to wake up and be functional after you reversed everything.
mehhh.

so i just realized i haven't posted since december. and its now almost april. wow.
well, even though i know nobody actually reads this thing, ill post anyway.
new things in my life. or at least that aren't known to the blogging world...

1. My high school's pep band just got the title of number one hs pep band in the state and last weekend we went to Peoria to play for the final state games. it was...fun at times. michael jordan was there xD. haha. but band drama needs to jump off of a cliff.

2. I currently can't stand anyone. i feel like everyones just out to start drama. plus my best friend likes this guy... but she's dating a boy who absolutely loves her more than anything. and boy 2 is amazing and one of the last good guys on earth and one of my friends so it just sucks because she treats him like shit and stuff but stays with him and is constantly breaking his heart. fuck people.

3. Got rejected from honors english AGAIN. fail.

4. BAMBOOZLE ROAD SHOW?? HELL YES. can't freaking wait.

5. panic making new music. so yeah. amazement/thrill/freaking exstatic.

6. wow i can't think of anything interesting in my life lol.

im still trying to work on this whole self reliance thing. still failing as of now. but oh well.
how is everyone?

I came home as someone else... Must have wished it on myself

i have NO TIME anymore.
and its really annoying.
lets see...
this weekend
friday: pep band.
long...boring...hurt my eyes.
saturday: lights "fantastic" parade.
dumb, none of us knew the song...
saturday after the parade: trumpet party that none of the trumpets showed up to...
sunday:stupid french semester project and cleaning.

now its monday already...
next weekend is hopefully girls night friday night, then early ish morning tree lot saturday and sunday.

i need to do some serious self discovery. i feel like ive just been letting life take me along these past few weeks, not putting any actual thought into anything, which just isnt okay with me.
im just now getting the time to upload the live in chicago cd. sad i know, ive had it since last monday.

She says "Can't you see me?"
"Can't you see me? Can't you see my walls are tumbling down?"
"Can't you see my walls are crumbling down?"
"Can't you see my sun stop spinning 'round?"
"Can't you see the sky turn black and brown?"
"Can't you see the moon is flashing round?"
"Can't you see me? Can't you see me? Can't you see me?"
No.

But there's a girl on car in the parking lot
says "Man why don't you take a shot?
Can't you see my walls are crumbling?"
And she looks up at the building
she says "I'm thinking of jumping"
She says she's tired of life
she must be tired of something

wow. round here is an amazingamazingamazing song.

im truly trying to be a better person.
its just hard...

sometimes you get sick of faking like everythings good. or okay. or not horrible.
and really things could be so so so much worse,
im just a naturally depressing person i guess. kinda sucks, people don't really like that...

oh well. i guess i just gotta keep trying...

And when the broken hearted people Living in the world agree, There will be an answer, let it be.

im in a surprisingly good mood.
just got back in town from memphis, did most of my homework, just researching french music for my french semester presentation left, so not too hard and actually kind of interesting.
My house smells like christmas because the plug in air freshener thing is alternating christmas scents lol.
i got my parents xmas presents almost done at black friday, and im planning out what to get/make my friends since im pretty much broke,but oh well. im excited to get them.
the only downside is school tomorrow, but who knows, maybe it wont suck completely? lol.
music, how i love thee.
live in chicago, how i yearn for thee.

that better get here tomorrow lol.
im so jealous some people already have it,
oh well i suppose.

don't you just love the holidays?

losing two best friends.
third favorite band breaking up.
cleaning all day.
"family time" all tomorrow.
sure to be full of arguments as to why me being vegetarian is stupid.
don't you just love the holidays??


ugh. i need a hug.

im fucking crying.

i love you boys.
i can't believe its over.
you made some of the best music ive ever heard, getting me through days i thought i wouldnt be able to get through.

im so happy i got to see you on the hct, although i wish i would have made it out another show.
ugh.
today is an absolute epic fail. ]=

so, leave yourself for somebody else

saw cinderella in a party dress

hm...
im in an... interesting? mood.
i need sleep.
and less homework.
and no french test.
and money.
ugh.
i kinda just wanna stay at home all break and wallow in my lonliness.
pathetic? yes.
gr. i hope i get over this mood soon.